Tag: mental-health

Anxiety: If a beast was named WRATH

July 7th, 2024

Have you ever experienced an anxiety or panic attack? I didn’t know what it felt like, you know, to feel one, flow with it, and release it. I do not recommend this experience to anyone BUT if you do happen to go through one, perhaps you may find comfort in what I am going to say next.

First off, anxiety/panic attacks can occur to anyone, at any time, due to anything. In my case, my attack was triggered by a physical experience that released a traumatic event that occurred when I was a child. I will not get into what that physical experience was, however, I will say that the anxiety that ensued right after is something I have never experienced in my life. What did that feel like, sound like, smelled like, looked like, and taste like?

What it felt like – I could not move, my body was paralyzed. I fell to the ground and as much as I tried to get up, I could not. I had no strength in me. It was as if an invisible rope had tied me up, from head to toe, and I could not move. Or like my body was wrapped in a blanket, like a burrito, and could not move, I felt claustrophobic.

What it sounded like – I could hear myself screaming and crying, and some muffled voices of people around me, but the loudest sound was my brain inside (head voice?) telling me I was stupid, worthless, unloved, ugly, a monster, a bad person, therefore not worthy of anything good at all. As much as I tried to physically cover my ears the voice was there, and I could not stop it from blurting out all these things.

What it smelled like – Blood, I could smell blood. I could smell stifled air if that is a smell. I could smell my own tears. I could smell fear.

What it looked like – Honestly, I really could not see, my eyes although open, were like they were shut. I only saw darkness, above me, around me, below me. I saw blackness, a never-ending abyss. At times I thought I saw the floor, but then it was back to darkness, no light at all.

What it tasted like – You guessed it, blood. I tasted blood, intertwined with saltiness from my tears. I tasted defeat and loneliness as well.

After what seemed like days, I was finally able to get up, limp over to my bed, and fell flat on my face on my bed. A few hours later I curled up in my bed, eyes always closed, and stayed there for the next 48 hours. My flatmate encouraged me to get out and get up, but I couldn’t. I did venture out of the room once, but immediately my body jerked as if it was going to go through the same thing again (paralysis, etc) so I ran back to my room, curled up in my bed, closed my eyes. When I closed my eyes I imagined I was a hollow body, I could visualize my guts being removed from my body, my heart too, but my brain was like it was screwed tightly on my head, I could not remove that! It felt good, to be honest, to feel ’empty’. I felt relief, like nothing anymore could hurt me, because there was nothing left to hurt.

Ok, so now that I have tried to describe in detail my experience of going through an anxiety/panic attack I also want to share how I came out of it (well, in some ways, I am still coming out of it I think). I did seek professional help, I texted on my phone a crisis intervention therapist (the number is 988, if you ever need it). This therapist I do believe saved my life. They taught me the 54321 strategy. Do you know it? 5 stands for five things you can see, 4 stands for four things you can touch, 3 for three things you can hear, 2 for two things you can smell, and 1 for the one thing you can taste. This exercise calmed down my nervous system, my physical body slowed down. It felt like the blood running through my entire body slowed down. Like my body finally took a breather. I felt rewired, like someone hit the restart button on my brain. I did not think I was going to be able to get out of such despair. I know I still need to work on other strategies as well.

Thank you for sticking with me this far, and for sharing in my experience via your reading of this post. Anxiety is a beast, and I hope that through these words you feel connected and not alone if you also get these episodes when wrath takes over and all goes to shit. We are with you, all of us, who also have ventured through those hollow lines. You are not alone.
Journey Into the Abyss: Navigating Emotions and Uncovering Shiny Truths

January 18th, 2024

During a recent conversation with my best friend, I was reminded of the intense emotions I experienced during my teenage years and how my mother struggled to handle them. You see, my mom never learned how to manage her own feelings and emotions, which meant she couldn’t teach me how to handle mine. As a result, our interactions were explosive, like dropping loaded grenades that continue to reverberate in my life even now as a grown woman.

Fast forward to today, and I find myself raising my own teenage daughter. She’s full of charm, wit, and yes, emotional grenades. While I’m determined to break the cycle of avoiding emotions, I have to admit that being a full-time mother to a teenage daughter and simultaneously navigating my own emotions is incredibly challenging. Hence, “Confessions of a Supernova” was born—a way for me to explore and understand my own emotions so that I can guide my daughter in navigating her own.

What I’ve discovered is that the more I delve into the mechanisms of emotional management that have become second nature to me, the deeper I find myself in the murky depths. It’s like diving into a beautiful blue ocean, witnessing its stunning beauty, and then swimming down to get a closer look. Beyond the vibrant corals and schools of fish, you catch a glimpse of something shiny, but it requires diving even deeper to reach it.

With determination, you hold your breath and swim down, descending further into the ocean. Before you know it, the corals are out of sight, and darkness surrounds you. Yet, you’re fixated on the shiny object, willing to endure the tightening sensation in your throat, neck, and head, driven by the desire to reach it. You push onward, even as your body yearns for air, convinced that the shiny something is within reach.

As you continue to swim downward, your head feels like it’s about to burst under the pressure of the deep sea and lack of oxygen. Is the shiny object getting brighter? You keep swimming, despite the fog that clouds your mind due to oxygen deprivation and increased pressure. You begin to rationalize your decision, assuring yourself that you’re so close. Fearful of looking up and finding no light above you, you scan your surroundings, only to be met with darkness—an endless expanse that makes you feel suspended in time and space. Are you trapped?

But wait! The shiny object still glimmers below, teasing you. Why can’t you reach it?

As I reflect on my deep dive into the depths of my emotions, I realize that the pursuit of that shiny something is not just about reaching a physical object—it symbolizes the hidden truths and self-discovery that lie within. It represents the courage to confront the darkness, to confront the unknown, and to confront ourselves.

In this vast expanse of emotions, I’ve learned that it’s not about simply grasping the shiny object, but about the journey itself—the exploration, the growth, and the resilience that comes from facing our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. It’s about understanding that sometimes, the most profound discoveries come from within, even in the midst of uncertainty and discomfort.

So, as I continue to navigate these murky waters and share my experiences in “Confessions of a Supernova,” I hope to inspire others to embark on their own journeys of self-discovery. To embrace the complexities of emotions, to unravel the layers of our past, and to learn how to navigate the present with compassion and understanding.

I may still be swimming in the darkness, but I know that with each stroke, I am one step closer to illuminating the path not only for myself but also for my teenage daughter. Together, we will break the cycle, transforming the explosive interactions of the past into a foundation of emotional resilience and understanding.

With every word I write, I strive to create a roadmap—a testament to the power of self-reflection and the strength that comes from confronting our emotions head-on. It is my hope that through my own journey, I can guide others towards their own shiny somethings, empowering them to dive fearlessly into the depths and emerge stronger, wiser, and more connected to themselves and those they love.

So, let us dive deep, embracing the unknown, and uncovering the brilliance that lies within.

Tag: mental-health

Anxiety: If a beast was named WRATH

Journey Into the Abyss: Navigating Emotions and Uncovering Shiny Truths