Have you ever experienced an anxiety or panic attack? I didn’t know what it felt like, you know, to feel one, flow with it, and release it. I do not recommend this experience to anyone BUT if you do happen to go through one, perhaps you may find comfort in what I am going to say next.
First off, anxiety/panic attacks can occur to anyone, at any time, due to anything. In my case, my attack was triggered by a physical experience that released a traumatic event that occurred when I was a child. I will not get into what that physical experience was, however, I will say that the anxiety that ensued right after is something I have never experienced in my life. What did that feel like, sound like, smelled like, looked like, and taste like?
What it felt like – I could not move, my body was paralyzed. I fell to the ground and as much as I tried to get up, I could not. I had no strength in me. It was as if an invisible rope had tied me up, from head to toe, and I could not move. Or like my body was wrapped in a blanket, like a burrito, and could not move, I felt claustrophobic.
What it sounded like – I could hear myself screaming and crying, and some muffled voices of people around me, but the loudest sound was my brain inside (head voice?) telling me I was stupid, worthless, unloved, ugly, a monster, a bad person, therefore not worthy of anything good at all. As much as I tried to physically cover my ears the voice was there, and I could not stop it from blurting out all these things.
What it smelled like – Blood, I could smell blood. I could smell stifled air if that is a smell. I could smell my own tears. I could smell fear.
What it looked like – Honestly, I really could not see, my eyes although open, were like they were shut. I only saw darkness, above me, around me, below me. I saw blackness, a never-ending abyss. At times I thought I saw the floor, but then it was back to darkness, no light at all.
What it tasted like – You guessed it, blood. I tasted blood, intertwined with saltiness from my tears. I tasted defeat and loneliness as well.
After what seemed like days, I was finally able to get up, limp over to my bed, and fell flat on my face on my bed. A few hours later I curled up in my bed, eyes always closed, and stayed there for the next 48 hours. My flatmate encouraged me to get out and get up, but I couldn’t. I did venture out of the room once, but immediately my body jerked as if it was going to go through the same thing again (paralysis, etc) so I ran back to my room, curled up in my bed, closed my eyes. When I closed my eyes I imagined I was a hollow body, I could visualize my guts being removed from my body, my heart too, but my brain was like it was screwed tightly on my head, I could not remove that! It felt good, to be honest, to feel ’empty’. I felt relief, like nothing anymore could hurt me, because there was nothing left to hurt.
Ok, so now that I have tried to describe in detail my experience of going through an anxiety/panic attack I also want to share how I came out of it (well, in some ways, I am still coming out of it I think). I did seek professional help, I texted on my phone a crisis intervention therapist (the number is 988, if you ever need it). This therapist I do believe saved my life. They taught me the 54321 strategy. Do you know it? 5 stands for five things you can see, 4 stands for four things you can touch, 3 for three things you can hear, 2 for two things you can smell, and 1 for the one thing you can taste. This exercise calmed down my nervous system, my physical body slowed down. It felt like the blood running through my entire body slowed down. Like my body finally took a breather. I felt rewired, like someone hit the restart button on my brain. I did not think I was going to be able to get out of such despair. I know I still need to work on other strategies as well.
Thank you for sticking with me this far, and for sharing in my experience via your reading of this post. Anxiety is a beast, and I hope that through these words you feel connected and not alone if you also get these episodes when wrath takes over and all goes to shit. We are with you, all of us, who also have ventured through those hollow lines. You are not alone.
CONFESSIONS OF A SUPERNOVA 