Thinking about those dark days in which the outside seemed sunny and bright yet I felt like I was dying on the inside is tough for me. You see, first, I have to activate those memories and that means digging deep into my past consciousness which is already quite the effort. Then after the visuals come into play the feelings begin to creep up – and the strongest feeling that perks up is, yup, you guessed it – rejection. As soon as this feeling peaks out a strong sense of despair, anxiety, combined with a feeling of drowning and darkness engulfs me. Is this dark enough for you yet? In thinking of these dark, tumultuous feelings and thoughts is where eventually peace and restoration lies. Doing the work means allowing those awful feelings and thoughts which I can only equate with ‘the depths of despair’ (thank you Anne of Green Gables!) to not only surface, but to ‘breathe’, exhale, ripple out of the mind and body. That my friends is where it happens, where anxiety takes a firm grip, where one wonders if reality is what this is. When you are in a place where you are scared as fuck and seems that no thing or no one can rescue you from those thoughts. That’s when it happens, the letting go, lose the grip, will it drown you? Maybe. We will not know till we let go.
CONFESSIONS OF A SUPERNOVA 